Bicycle Mercantile and Service
1. Every pro in the pro peloton buys their bikes here. We repaint and redecal them so they look like their sponsors bikes. Why do they do this? Because we pay the president of the International Cycling Union LOTS of money to convince them to do so.
2. We do a better job of fitting you to your new bike than any store in the world (except for Nepal Neo-Pro in Kathmandu, but we're not telling you where it is). We send all of our ergonomic experts to Nepal to study under the great Lhaso Merckx Lazlo where they take rigorous courses that make a tremendous difference in the way your bike fits, like: "The Eyelids: Often Overlooked In Bike Fit," and "Toe Length Really Does Make A Difference In Handlebar Width."
3. Although our bikes LOOK just like normal, stock models, we demand that all our manufacturers make our frames from HelioArgentiumanese. These tubes actually have a negative weight due to their Helium content. And, yes, we have an exclusive on this. Sorry no refunds on frames that slip out of your hands and float away. And, absolutely, positively, never let your children carry your frame as they may float away with it!
4. Every model we choose to stock goes through a rigorous testing process. They're stress-tested, race-tested, flame-tested, taste-tested, water-tested, marinated in basil-pesto-soy sauce and tested for their ability to make you attractive to the opposite sex.
5. Our new GyroscopicMyopicNimbulator keeps your bike from ever falling over, even while you're riding it. Even better, should you have a need to fall down (so you can gracefully withdraw from a race, demonstrate how not to ride or create insurance fraud opportunities), you can turn the GMN off with the flip of a switch.
6. No animals are harmed during the assembly of our bikes (unless you count flogging the mechanics to increase productivity). The Assembly Taskmaster (shown at left), ensures that every bike is built according to our 2,872 page assembly guidebook. Assemblers missing a step are flogged, keelhauled, grounded or forced to ride a department-store bike for a week, depending on the severity of their infraction. Your satisfaction is our first priority.
7. The electromagnetic fields surrounding our bikes increase the download and upload speeds of any internet connection within 200 feet. Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein provided us with the secrets of this process during a seance with the Psychic Waitress Network. Not recommended for riders with large metal plates in their heads.
8. Studies have shown that people who purchase our bikes live longer, have brighter smiles, are promoted quicker, encounter fewer red lights, are seventeen times more likely to win the lottery, produce smarter children and, of course, make you infinitely more physically appealing.
9. Since we're ravenous consumers ourselves, every dollar you spend in our shop translates into a $6,347.07 boost to the local economy. Plus, the only thing our employees like as much as riding is eating. So, if you own a local restaurant, buying a bike from us could be the best investment you ever make!
10. Our website doesn't use those annoying pop-up ads!